Well, it’s been a year in the making, but the day of reckoning finally arrived.
I first heard about The Candwich, aka, “the sandwich in a can,” back in July, 2010, and given TLT’s infatuation with the odd foodstuff, I immediately had to share the news with you (“How Long Before THIS Horror Appears on Lunch Trays?”) But for some reason (known only to my psychiatrist), I’ve never quite been able to let the Candwich go.
I dropped gratuitous references to it wherever I could (e.g., here, here and here); I shared details about the shady business dealings behind the Candwich; I introduced you to Candwich brethren in my round-up of “scary things in a can;” I encouraged innocent schoolchildren to set fire to it; and yes, showing there’s nothing I won’t do for my readers, I once even dressed up as a human Candwich:
So when I heard that the Candwich had finally come to market (fittingly, on TLT’s one-year anniversary), of course I couldn’t get my hands on it fast enough. I placed the minimum order (yikes - four cans!) and received them at my house this weekend.
What on earth would the Candwich look like, my family wondered? I’d always assumed it would be a pre-assembled PBJ sitting in a preservative-filled can of air. My daughter had the hilarious notion that it would be floating in some sort of syrup, which is a truly disgusting image, but when you’re already talking “sandwich in a CAN,” one can’t quibble.
We opened it, we sniffed it, we poked at it, we took pictures of it and yes, people, I even ate a bit of it.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you . . . [drum roll, please] . . . the Candwich:
I want you to know, I really tried to be fair to the Candwich. I swear I did.
The peanut butter and jelly were unremarkable, but before long my palate was overtaken by a truly weird flavor emanating from the bread. I asked myself whether I’d perceive the same “off” taste if a friend had just prepared this sandwich; in other words, was I letting the whole can thing influence me? I gave that some thought and then concluded, nope, still really gross.
The makers of the Candwich tout it as “perfect for emergency food storage needs in the event of natural disasters,” but even in a post-apocalyptic world, I think I’d rather take my chances as a novice hunter-gatherer in a barren, radiation-saturated wasteland than rely on a stockpile of Candwiches.
And I’m just telling you now, when the planned BBQ Chicken (!!!!!) Candwich eventually comes to market, I WILL NOT GO THERE. Not even for you, beloved readers.
Now the fun part. Like I said, I had to buy four cans of this food atrocity and even accounting for the fact that one is now a fabulous desk toy in my office, that leaves two extra. . . . I think I smell a reader giveaway! (Or maybe I’m just smelling the Fungal Alpha Amylase?)
Leave a comment – no matter how goofy – below and I’ll use a random number generator at 12pm CST tomorrow (June 8, 2011) to select one lucky winner.
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