At Long Last . . . Blogger Meets Candwich

by Bettina Elias Siegel on June 7, 2011

Well, it’s been a year in the making, but the day of reckoning finally arrived.

I first heard about The Candwich, aka, “the sandwich in a can,” back in July, 2010, and given TLT’s infatuation with the odd foodstuff, I immediately had to share the news with you (“How Long Before THIS Horror Appears on Lunch Trays?”)  But for some reason (known only to my psychiatrist), I’ve never quite been able to let the Candwich go.

I dropped gratuitous references to it wherever I could (e.g., herehere and here); I shared details about the shady business dealings behind the Candwich; I introduced you to Candwich brethren in my round-up of “scary things in a can;” I encouraged innocent schoolchildren to set fire to it; and yes, showing there’s nothing I won’t do for my readers, I once even dressed up as a human Candwich:

So when I heard that the Candwich had finally come to market (fittingly, on TLT’s one-year anniversary), of course I couldn’t get my hands on it fast enough.  I placed the minimum order (yikes – four cans!) and received them at my house this weekend.

What on earth would the Candwich look like, my family wondered?  I’d always assumed it would be a pre-assembled PBJ sitting in a preservative-filled can of air.  My daughter had the hilarious notion that it would be floating in some sort of syrup, which is a truly disgusting image, but when you’re already talking “sandwich in a CAN,” one can’t quibble.

We opened it, we sniffed it, we poked at it, we took pictures of it and yes, people, I even ate a bit of it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you . . . [drum roll, please] . . .  the Candwich:

I want you to know, I really tried to be fair to the Candwich.  I swear I did.

The peanut butter and jelly were unremarkable, but before long my palate was overtaken by a truly weird flavor emanating from the bread.  I asked myself whether I’d perceive the same “off” taste if a friend had just prepared this sandwich; in other words, was I letting the whole can thing influence me?  I gave that some thought and then concluded, nope, still really gross.

The makers of the Candwich tout it as “perfect for emergency food storage needs in the event of natural disasters,” but even in a post-apocalyptic world, I think I’d rather take my chances as a novice hunter-gatherer in a barren, radiation-saturated wasteland than rely on a stockpile of Candwiches.

And I’m just telling you now, when the planned BBQ Chicken (!!!!!) Candwich eventually comes to market, I WILL NOT GO THERE.  Not even for you, beloved readers.

Now the fun part.  Like I said, I had to buy four cans of this food atrocity and even accounting for the fact that one is now a fabulous desk toy in my office, that leaves two extra. . . .  I think I smell a reader giveaway!  (Or maybe I’m just smelling the Fungal Alpha Amylase?)

Leave a comment – no matter how goofy – below and I’ll use a random number generator at 12pm CST tomorrow (June 8, 2011) to select one lucky winner.

 

 

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{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

Deb June 7, 2011 at 8:11 am

Yum, yum gimme one (ewww)

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:19 am

Drawing is in a few short hours . . . just for being the first to comment I feel you ought to get some sort of leg up. LOL.

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Andrew June 7, 2011 at 8:30 am

I’ll take one. Also, if you want to get rid of Fungal Alpha Amylase just spread some of this — http://bit.ly/kQP73g — on your sandwich.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:19 am

A schmear, if you will? I promise you that would only improve the taste, Andrew.

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Angela June 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

Oooohhh! ‘Can’ I have one?? (Ick)

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:18 am

No extra points for puns, I’m afraid, but I appreciate the effort. :-)

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Melanie June 7, 2011 at 9:01 am

that’s hilarious. Now I’ve got this peanut butter and jelly themed trifle idea in my head, though. hmmmmm…..

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:18 am

Now that sounds quite good!

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Nik June 7, 2011 at 9:07 am

Christmas will come early for one lucky friend if I win that tasty treasure… Thanks for the in-depth report!!

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:17 am

I hope I can be Santa for you – drawing is in a few hours.

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June June 7, 2011 at 10:14 am

You are a brave lady. Though really, I don’t get the point of them – what’s the difference between having to make stuff that comes in a can or make the exact same thing with the exact same amount of work from the stuff in your cupboards. Perhaps it’s the laffy taffy bonus. I can’t imagine anyone actually buying this! I’m dying to know what the sales are.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:17 am

June – I guess it’s the long, long, LONG shelf life of that bread. So scary.

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Melissa House June 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

I am glad to see you survived eating all them chems:) I will have to get me some of these for my class room one day for a great lesson on ingredients. How much was this case you bought btw?

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:16 am

Melissa – the four cans cost $12.00 and worth every penny! You can order it from markonefoods.com.

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anthony June 7, 2011 at 1:05 pm

my skin is crawling. please give those to someone else. someone extraterrestrial. or named palin.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:15 am

What, Anthony? The Candwich doesn’t fit into your Chinese medicine practice? :-)

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Jenn June 7, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I am highly amused that something touting itself as “food” comes packed with a dessicant (which I’d guess is marked “do not eat.”)

They should just mark the whole can “do not eat.”

You are a brave woman.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:15 am

LOL – maybe they should just stick a biohazard label on the front. But that implies there’s some “bio” left in that food, which might mislead.

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Brunhi June 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Im mexican, I hope a “cantaco” is next ;) LOL!

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:14 am

How do you say Diacetyl Tantaric Acid Esters of Mono and Diglyceride en espanol?

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Kelly Lester June 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I blew up your pic labeled “NOT pre-assembled!” to get a really good look. I’d be surprised if you were to tell me that you did not hear my very loud, “EEEEEEW!!!!!!!!”
‘ nuff said.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:12 am

I was wondering what that sound was . . . ;-)

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Christina @ Spoonfed June 7, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I really (like seriously, really) don’t want to get within 100 feet of this thing. But my daughter’s class has been doing experiments on food vs. “food,” so part of me feels strangely compelled to win this for them. It’ll have to keep until fall, but something tells me that won’t be a problem.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:11 am

LOL. I believe your daughter could graduate from high school and the Candwich will still be perky and fresh.

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Sarah June 7, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I don’t eat anything with the name “fungal” in the ingredient. Please, do not send me this. Please.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:11 am

Yet your comment here makes me think you secretly want that Candwich, badly. :-)

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David June 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Mmmm just like mom used to make!

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:11 am

Did your mom work for Dow Chemical by any chance?

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Kathie June 7, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I really don’t want this…yet strangely…I do….not to eat mind you, but more as a conversation piece.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:12 am

See? You get my fascination with the Candwich! Let’s start a support group.

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Mrs Q June 7, 2011 at 10:10 pm

That’s awesome, Bettina! Taking one for the team! (I do not want to be entered in the drawing!)

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 7, 2011 at 10:11 pm

LOL! Actually, from someone who REALLY took a hit for the team (i.e., a year of school food), I appreciate that. :-)

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John B June 8, 2011 at 1:56 am

Good work! I’m not even sure how I came to be friends with TLT, but I find myself drawn to your posts on Facebook, and now your blog. Keep up the good work – thanks.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 8, 2011 at 7:10 am

John B: No matter how you got here, glad to have you!

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Gaye June 9, 2011 at 9:54 am

OK, PB&J is one thing. But CANNED barbecue chicken? I can feel the food poisoning already.

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Bettina Elias Siegel June 9, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Isn’t it too horrible to contemplate?

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EdT. June 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I can see this becoming a staple on “Big Brother”. Also, while I can’t see myself eating a PB&J, if they made one with SPAM… Mmmm, SPAM…

:-)

~EdT.

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eila / full plate January 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

oh my gosh, ok, this is so funny/gross.

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Mvnkie July 13, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Actually, I tried the BBQ Chicken Candwich today. It was surprisingly good, though in my office, they store them in the fridge, so I nuked it for about 45 seconds after I took it out of the can.

The way I figure, the creator knew it would have to be darn tasty, or they’d be in serious trouble.

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