Well, it’s been a year in the making, but the day of reckoning finally arrived.
I first heard about The Candwich, aka, “the sandwich in a can,” back in July, 2010, and given TLT’s infatuation with the odd foodstuff, I immediately had to share the news with you (“How Long Before THIS Horror Appears on Lunch Trays?”) But for some reason (known only to my psychiatrist), I’ve never quite been able to let the Candwich go.
I dropped gratuitous references to it wherever I could (e.g., here, here and here); I shared details about the shady business dealings behind the Candwich; I introduced you to Candwich brethren in my round-up of “scary things in a can;” I encouraged innocent schoolchildren to set fire to it; and yes, showing there’s nothing I won’t do for my readers, I once even dressed up as a human Candwich:
So when I heard that the Candwich had finally come to market (fittingly, on TLT’s one-year anniversary), of course I couldn’t get my hands on it fast enough. I placed the minimum order (yikes - four cans!) and received them at my house this weekend.
What on earth would the Candwich look like, my family wondered? I’d always assumed it would be a pre-assembled PBJ sitting in a preservative-filled can of air. My daughter had the hilarious notion that it would be floating in some sort of syrup, which is a truly disgusting image, but when you’re already talking “sandwich in a CAN,” one can’t quibble.
We opened it, we sniffed it, we poked at it, we took pictures of it and yes, people, I even ate a bit of it.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you . . . [drum roll, please] . . . the Candwich:
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- Can you stand the suspense?
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- NOT pre-assembled! I’m disappointed. And relieved.
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- Seems innocuous.
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- Not your organic PB & J, clearly, but edible under duress.
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- Here’s where things get dicey. I fear this shrink-wrapped, super-squishy “bread” is going to be my Waterloo.
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- New frontiers in food chemistry: Fungal Alpha Amylase? DATEM (Diacetyl Tantaric Acid Esters of Mono and Diglyceride)? Glucono Delta Lactone? Azodicarbonamide?
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- Really? Even with the chemistry set ingredients AND the plastic AND the can, we still need one of these?
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- Love this “dessert.” Would you like some chemicals after you’ve finished your chemicals?
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- Assembly . . .
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- . . . ready to go . . .
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- gathering my courage . . .
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- . . . ???? . . . .
I want you to know, I really tried to be fair to the Candwich. I swear I did.
The peanut butter and jelly were unremarkable, but before long my palate was overtaken by a truly weird flavor emanating from the bread. I asked myself whether I’d perceive the same “off” taste if a friend had just prepared this sandwich; in other words, was I letting the whole can thing influence me? I gave that some thought and then concluded, nope, still really gross.
The makers of the Candwich tout it as “perfect for emergency food storage needs in the event of natural disasters,” but even in a post-apocalyptic world, I think I’d rather take my chances as a novice hunter-gatherer in a barren, radiation-saturated wasteland than rely on a stockpile of Candwiches.
And I’m just telling you now, when the planned BBQ Chicken (!!!!!) Candwich eventually comes to market, I WILL NOT GO THERE. Not even for you, beloved readers.
Now the fun part. Like I said, I had to buy four cans of this food atrocity and even accounting for the fact that one is now a fabulous desk toy in my office, that leaves two extra. . . . I think I smell a reader giveaway! (Or maybe I’m just smelling the Fungal Alpha Amylase?)
Leave a comment – no matter how goofy – below and I’ll use a random number generator at 12pm CST tomorrow (June 8, 2011) to select one lucky winner.
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Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Bettina Elias Siegel
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Yum, yum gimme one (ewww)
Drawing is in a few short hours . . . just for being the first to comment I feel you ought to get some sort of leg up. LOL.
I’ll take one. Also, if you want to get rid of Fungal Alpha Amylase just spread some of this — http://bit.ly/kQP73g — on your sandwich.
A schmear, if you will? I promise you that would only improve the taste, Andrew.
Oooohhh! ‘Can’ I have one?? (Ick)
No extra points for puns, I’m afraid, but I appreciate the effort.
that’s hilarious. Now I’ve got this peanut butter and jelly themed trifle idea in my head, though. hmmmmm…..
Now that sounds quite good!
Christmas will come early for one lucky friend if I win that tasty treasure… Thanks for the in-depth report!!
I hope I can be Santa for you – drawing is in a few hours.
You are a brave lady. Though really, I don’t get the point of them – what’s the difference between having to make stuff that comes in a can or make the exact same thing with the exact same amount of work from the stuff in your cupboards. Perhaps it’s the laffy taffy bonus. I can’t imagine anyone actually buying this! I’m dying to know what the sales are.
June – I guess it’s the long, long, LONG shelf life of that bread. So scary.
I am glad to see you survived eating all them chems:) I will have to get me some of these for my class room one day for a great lesson on ingredients. How much was this case you bought btw?
Melissa – the four cans cost $12.00 and worth every penny! You can order it from markonefoods.com.
my skin is crawling. please give those to someone else. someone extraterrestrial. or named palin.
What, Anthony? The Candwich doesn’t fit into your Chinese medicine practice?
I am highly amused that something touting itself as “food” comes packed with a dessicant (which I’d guess is marked “do not eat.”)
They should just mark the whole can “do not eat.”
You are a brave woman.
LOL – maybe they should just stick a biohazard label on the front. But that implies there’s some “bio” left in that food, which might mislead.
Im mexican, I hope a “cantaco” is next
LOL!
How do you say Diacetyl Tantaric Acid Esters of Mono and Diglyceride en espanol?
I blew up your pic labeled “NOT pre-assembled!” to get a really good look. I’d be surprised if you were to tell me that you did not hear my very loud, “EEEEEEW!!!!!!!!”
‘ nuff said.
I was wondering what that sound was . . .
I really (like seriously, really) don’t want to get within 100 feet of this thing. But my daughter’s class has been doing experiments on food vs. “food,” so part of me feels strangely compelled to win this for them. It’ll have to keep until fall, but something tells me that won’t be a problem.
LOL. I believe your daughter could graduate from high school and the Candwich will still be perky and fresh.
I don’t eat anything with the name “fungal” in the ingredient. Please, do not send me this. Please.
Yet your comment here makes me think you secretly want that Candwich, badly.
Mmmm just like mom used to make!
Did your mom work for Dow Chemical by any chance?
I really don’t want this…yet strangely…I do….not to eat mind you, but more as a conversation piece.
See? You get my fascination with the Candwich! Let’s start a support group.
That’s awesome, Bettina! Taking one for the team! (I do not want to be entered in the drawing!)
LOL! Actually, from someone who REALLY took a hit for the team (i.e., a year of school food), I appreciate that.
Good work! I’m not even sure how I came to be friends with TLT, but I find myself drawn to your posts on Facebook, and now your blog. Keep up the good work – thanks.
John B: No matter how you got here, glad to have you!
OK, PB&J is one thing. But CANNED barbecue chicken? I can feel the food poisoning already.
Isn’t it too horrible to contemplate?
I can see this becoming a staple on “Big Brother”. Also, while I can’t see myself eating a PB&J, if they made one with SPAM… Mmmm, SPAM…
~EdT.
oh my gosh, ok, this is so funny/gross.
Actually, I tried the BBQ Chicken Candwich today. It was surprisingly good, though in my office, they store them in the fridge, so I nuked it for about 45 seconds after I took it out of the can.
The way I figure, the creator knew it would have to be darn tasty, or they’d be in serious trouble.
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