A reader recently wrote in:
I’m the ultimate short order cook – my two picky ones often eating something different from everyone else. It just didn’t seem like a battle worth fighting at the time, but years later, it seems like such a pain and my picky eaters aren’t getting any better. So once you have screwed this up, are there steps to move my picky eaters toward the rest of the family or am I now stuck with the monster I’ve created? (It’s like you are the Dear Abby of nutritious food).
Let me preface the following by saying that I’m not qualified to be Dear Abby on this or any other topic, other than the fact that I’m right there in the trenches with everyone else. But I do happen to feel strongly about this issue and since it’s my blog, after all . . . . 🙂
I think short order cooking at dinner is a bad idea on many levels: it deprives kids of a daily opportunity to expand their palates, it fractures the family dinner (if you’re lucky enough to all be eating in the same place at the same time, which I hope you are) and, speaking from personal experience, it can quickly result in a cranky cook. (That’s all the more likely if you’ve gone to such special lengths to make everyone their own dinner — and they still don’t eat it!)
Consistency is important in parenting, but when something feels like it’s on the wrong track, I believe parents have the right (and the obligation) to correct course — and it’s OK to admit to your kids that you’ve made a mistake. So, how about this? Gather the family together one day and announce that although the short order cooking has gone on for years, it’s no longer working for you or for them, and list the reasons why. Tell them that from now on, only one dinner is going to be served and while no one is ever going to be pressured or forced to eat anything, neither will they have the option to request or make a second dinner.
As you ease into this new era of One Dinner Only, I’d try to make meals that are generally popular with the whole crowd or which have several components from which everyone can make a meal. A good example in my house of a “customizable” meal is fish tacos: I pan-fry or bake breaded tilapia filets and serve with warmed, whole wheat tortillas, shredded red cabbage, guacamole, tomatillo salsa, shredded cheese, chopped cilantro, canned fat-free refried black beans, lime slices, etc. Out of that whole dinner, all I really “cook” is the fish (unless you count mashing avocados) and everyone can make a nutritious combination they like, even my one child who skips the fish entirely. Other ideas for customizable meals might include: ground meat or turkey tacos (in a hard corn shell) with toppings like those listed above; baked or fried falafel with pita bread and a variety of toppings (tahini sauce, hot sauce, etc.) and vegetables (cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, shredded carrots) to stuff inside; a baked potato “bar” with sour cream, shredded cheese, green onions and a protein topping like bean or meat chili or diced chicken; “make-your-own” pizzas where everyone picks their topping (veggies like mushrooms, onions and peppers that you’ve already sauteed, soy or real pepperoni or sausage) before the pizzas go into the oven, etc.
When you’re serving a more traditional meal (entree and sides), try to be sure there’s at least one thing on the table that’s likely to be eaten, whether it’s a starchy side (corn, potatoes, pasta, couscous, etc.), some form of bread, cut-up fruit or a raw or cooked vegetable you know they like. When choosing these “kid-safe” items, try to choose things that fit logically with whatever you’re serving (e.g., corn bread with your chili or black bean soup, plain couscous with your Moroccan stew, potatoes with your meat) so that it doesn’t look like you’re putting that food on the table specifically to serve as an “out” for your picky eater — even if that’s the brilliant strategy behind it. And then if your kid winds up eating only cornbread or couscous or potatoes that night, silently repeat to yourself this mantra as often as necessary: No one is going to starve.
The idea here (and in giving this advice I’m indebted to Ellyn Satter, as discussed in a previous post) is that – absent pressure from you — kids will eventually explore the foods they find more challenging. Other than my one child’s vegetable aversion, that’s totally proven true in my house. But even if that doesn’t happen, you’ll have at least ended the short order cooking, which you agree wasn’t helping with the pickiness anyway and was only making you tired and resentful.
Finally, you’ll note that throughout this post I keep talking about no short order cooking at dinner. Maybe that’s because I regard the family dinner as a meal of central importance, a place where a family’s norms and culture are absorbed, and where the food tends to be a bit more challenging and therefore presents more opportunities for exploration. Or maybe it’s because I just don’t mind occasionally making a few different things for breakfast or a weekend lunch. I myself tend to have real cravings at breakfast (some mornings I absolutely have to have something hearty like eggs with cheese, others days I just want a little yogurt or cereal), so I’m fairly sympathetic when my kids express the same thing (although on a rushed school morning, it’s one thing for everyone and no complaining). And on weekends I’m usually trying to move the leftovers out of the fridge, so I’m happy to cater to individual tastes at lunch to get that accomplished.
OK, those are my thoughts on short order cooking. But perhaps there are readers out there who disagree. Is short order cooking a necessary evil for handling picky eaters? Let me know what you think.
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Bettina Elias Siegel
Lisa says
Unfortunately at our house dinner is no longer sacred due to sports. So to ensure no one feels compelled to run to McDonalds or just eat chips for dinner I make 3 meals on Sunday. Each person can choose to eat whichever meal they want on any given day. I try to make a variety and to have vegetables or salad available nightly. Often my kids eat “dinner” early – like around 3:30- then eat again after a game at 9. They can repeat or switch it up. This way if they don’t like something they can pass on it. This also gives me more time to help with homework or get a workout in for myself since I don’t have to cook every night.
bettina elias siegel says
Lisa – That sounds like a very good solution to a challenging schedule. I’m sure many parents of kids who are involved in team sports can learn from your suggestion. Thanks so much for reading and commenting! – Bettina
Jenny says
I totally agree with you, B: I will short-order cook at breakfast if there’s time, but that’s about it. My husband won’t do it at all– he cooks for us often, and if the kids complain or ask for a different meal, his awesome standard response is, “I charge $50 an hour to serve as your personal chef. If you’d like to pay it I’ll make you whatever you want.”
The guy’s a genius sometimes.
bettina elias siegel says
Ha! I’m totally co-opting your husband’s line. I’ll pay him a small royalty out of my $50/hour fee.
Lenee Theriault says
I have a sign hanging in my kitchen that states, “You have two choices for dinner, Take it or leave it!” It’s been there for about 18 years, and they are words to live by.
I believe picky eaters are not born that way–they are created. Many parents create a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy,’ so to speak, when it comes to their child’s food likes and dislikes. “Oh, Sally doesn’t like broccoli/spinach/sweet potatoes/beets, etc.” The human palate takes repeated exposures to a new taste before an opinion about that taste can be validly formed. Of course, one will not like everything they taste in a lifetime, but with repeated exposure to a new item, one may find they DO develop a liking for it. I didn’t like sour cream, yogurt, oatmeal, wheat bread, eggplant, avocados, squash, spinach, onions, sweet potatoes, or cabbage, as a kid–they are now some of my favorite things. I could give many more examples of this but it would take up too much space…..
I always offered every item many times to my kids as they were growing up. One rule I always had and stuck to–they must take at least one bite of everything on their plates, no matter what. If they don’t like it, no problem, at least they tried it. I never forced them to finish it (another whole topic about how food issues are created and lead to obesity and health problems). The following week I might incorporate the same item into a meal, and again, they were required to take at least one bite. Soon, all plates would be cleaned of the suspect item, and sometimes I would receive requests to make it again. They would develop a taste and most times a liking for the item.
My kids are 22 and 17, and both have an extensive list of healthy foods they like and consume. They’re both very conscientious about what they put in their bodies for pleasure and fuel. They both have a palate for exotic and unusual dishes and ingredients, and both explore new and unusual ingredients. They’re not afraid to try new things, nor do they give up when they try something new they may not care for. They may try the item prepared a different way, as I used to do with unpopular ingredients. Both are extremely healthy and slim, never have to watch what they eat or ‘diet’ (nor do I), prefer organic, GMO and chemical free foods, and both have extensive cookbook collections covering many different cultures and cuisines, and they both love to experiment in the kitchen. My son works in a sustainable, organic restaurant and I hope one day he decides to open his own. I would love to work with him on recipe development.
My kids could have very easily ended up as picky eaters, with health and obesity problems if I had given in and catered to the typical kid responses to new foods–giving in and throwing persistence and creativity out the window, or making a huge issue and dramatic scene out of it, forcing it down their throats and allowing food to be used in a battle of control and opposing wills. I’m glad I knew better….. We as a family celebrate food, cooking, trying new things, and spending time together around the dining room table. Peace~
bettina elias siegel says
Lenee: It sounds like you’ve done a beautiful job with your kids. And I agree – you want the family table to be a place of warmth and peace, rather than a battle ground. I’m pleased that my own kids (but for the veggie thing, which is showing some tiny signs of improvement) are, like your kids, quite adventurous for their ages and see and share the obvious pleasure my husband and I take in the food we eat. Thanks for this and your other comment – please continue to come back to The Lunch Tray and share your thoughts often! – Bettina
Lenee says
Thanks for the kind words. I LOVE The Lunch Tray and will visit often. As you can probably see, I’ve spent the better part of my day reading and posting! I have subscribed, and I will be back. Thank you for some fabulous reads!
bettina elias siegel says
Lenee: Thank you very much for telling me that. There’s no “compensation” for blogging other than feedback, so you’ve given me a big, fat paycheck today. And if you want to also give me a bonus, please let friends and family know about The Lunch Tray via Facebook, email or any other forums you visit, like parenting sites. The blog is only one month old and I’m still trying to build readership any way I can think of. Thanks again, and looking forward to your thoughts on future posts. — Bettina